future things

Cool things I will probably never do:
Surf
Fence
Start a slow clap
Kill a man for looking at me wrong
Turn into a dog, wait for someone to fall over, and put my paws over my eyes
Have sex for money
Pasteurize milk
Meet an alien
See a ghost
Learn Muay Thai

Cool things I will definitely do:
Live in New Zealand for three months
Move to Portland
Visit Japan
Parasail
Visit the caves of the underworld in Egypt
Get muscle
Write a whole bunch of books
Get a BFF tattoo with Chermaine
Meet my heroes

Terrible things I hope I never have to do:
Shoot a dog
Lose all my money in a poker game
Kill myself
Violate my anus with a remote control
Crash my car
Move to an Arctic research station
Piss off the Russians
Cut off a limb because it has a mind of its own
Get a catheter

Terrible things I will probably have to do:
Get a soul crushing job
Pay Taxes
Wait in lines
Pretend to listen to boring people
Eat a bug
Your mom

protesters

We find it hard to believe that at one point in our nation's history we threw up our hands and decided to beat the shit out of each other. I used to. I don't, anymore. With these health care reform protesters, with the town hall meetings and the shouting-down of opposing voices, usually done by people who will cry about the death of democracy as soon as they are shouted down. Then the Birthers. Then the death panel shit. Just...all of it. One insanity after another. It's racial. It is. It's frustrated, angry white folks who are not used to being frustrated or angry. Not really, anyway. And so it comes out like this, childlike and red-faced. Immature.

So anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize these loonies almost ended the Union way back in the day. Only then, they were called "Plantation owners" and "racists." Well, we can still call them racists today. That's fine.

Imagine how poor Lincoln felt, having to deal with these morons.

Lincoln: Now...

Southerners: YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE OUR LAND AND FREE THE SLAVES.

Lincoln: Actually, that's not my position...

Southerners: LIAR. LYING FUCKING LIAR.

Lincoln: Well, if you'd listen.

Southerners: OH MY GOD YOU STINK OF LIES.

Lincoln: Alright, that's it. Strap in, Lincoln's getting flustered.

And then it was on, and the North laid a righteous ass whooping on the South.